maybe...

It's very difficult to post something inspirational, when you've been dealing a lot of personal issues and as much as you tried to get away with them, they keep haunting you wherever you go.

"Is being happy important to stay in a marriage?" that is the question that's preoccupying my mind lately, and up to now, any link to answer the confusion was no where to be found.

Maybe, I just got tired of sacrificing everything to my partner who doesn't seem to care that I exist or maybe I just got tired of understanding his moods and got fed up on changing myself in order to fit in to his world or maybe I just got tired of loving him wherein I know for the fact that he would never treat me the way I wanted to be treated.

Maybe I got tired of forgiving him whenever I caught him flirting with another woman even if I'm pregnant... or Maybe I got tired of forgetting that he once let me suffer in raising our 3 kids (working so hard to provide their needs) while he was having a great time of his life like a bachelor... or maybe I got tired of feeling like a trash and trying to pick up the broken pieces of myself because of all the hurts he did to me.

There's a lot of maybes and there's a lot of reasons why I wanted to get out of this marriage, but at the end of the day, I still choose to go home to the same house, and be with the same bastard.

Why?

ask me again... Why?

For one main reason, my kids... I cannot leave them just like that, and I cannot take them with me just like that, it will only complicate their lives and that's what I don't want to happen.

What I want is for them to grow up believing that they have a happy family. I don't want my lil' creatures to experience what their Momi had experienced when she was growing up.


No one explained to me why Pop only comes home once a week,
why Mum always cries every night.
And no one told me what is "having an affair means".

When I finally learned the truth, it hit me so bad that I thought I won't be able to grow up like a normal individual. Can you imagine an eight-year-old girl dealing with family issues on her own? No one cared with what I felt, no one cared with what I've been through. No one asked me if I'm okay to have dinner with my Dad's mistresses... because they never cared, that's why they never asked.

and of course I cannot share those with my friends who only know at that time was Barbie dolls and Care Bears.

As I grow up, there is so much hatred in my heart, so much sadness, thus I developed the attitude that I cannot do it, I might fail and other people might not like it.

And when I got married, I thought I will have a partner who will help me to fulfill my plans and dreams, who will help me to realize that the world is full of love... but life has been unkind to me... and let me experience the same nightmare I had many years ago.


But because of the love for my kids, I have to pretend that Life is good, that the world is full of Love..

I dunno until when... maybe tomorrow, maybe next month, maybe after 5 years or maybe if my kids are ready to accept that Mom can no longer bear pretending...


thinkin of' "All at One by Whitney Houston"